Restoring Passion and Joy in Marriage

By Ronni Schaack, MA, LPCC-S

One of the most frequent complaints that I hear as a marriage counselor is related to one or both spouses struggling to get “that loving feeling” back again.  It’s normal for couples to enjoy a period of passion and infatuation in the early stages of their relationship. It’s also normal for couples to lose that over time as the relationship moves into a different stage of bonding and chemicals in the body (such as dopamine) return to a normal state.  This doesn’t mean that love is lost.  It means that the relationship is being re-defined into a deeper state of bonding.  However, if misunderstood, a person might believe that they married the wrong person and that another partner could bring them lasting happiness.

When initially meeting with couples, I usually ask to hear ‘the story’ of their relationship.  “How did you meet and for how long did you date?  How did you know that he/she was ‘the one’?   What were some of your favorite things to do together when you were dating?”  Many times couples express belief that God brought them together. I also hear many compliments given to their spouse.  I believe it helps to remember, and even more importantly, to recreate some of those loving feelings through reminiscing.  Looking back through pictures of your wedding and early years together can have a similar effect.

In order to bring greater passion to a relationship, I think it’s helpful to take an honest look at what you are bringing or not bringing to your relationship. In other words, how much are you investing in your spouse?  Investing in your spouse not only means spending quality time with and expressing appreciation for him/her, but also showing an interest in who they are as an individual. Don’t stop the love letters and cards!  To help with this, I advise writing a love letter to your spouse letting him/her know all the reasons why you fell in love with them and chose them above all others.  And don’t stop asking questions!  Get to know your spouse again. Don’t assume you do. Take time to study them again. You might be surprised by some of their responses.  To help with this, I’ve attached a list of questions to help start the process.

Lastly, recreating passion begins with you. How enjoyable are you to live with? Would your spouse say that it is a blessing to be in a relationship with you?  Those can be challenging, and painful, questions to answer.  If there are personal ‘blocks’ getting in the way of joy in your own life, don’t assume your spouse or another relationship can fix that for you.  Please speak with a counselor to work out your own issues before placing them on your spouse.

Here’s some examples of questions as well as compliments you can use to get to know your spouse better and restore joy into your relationship. (Hint: Some of these could be included in a love letter). 

·         Something special about you that not many people see is __________.

·         I am impressed with how much you know about ____________.

·         I look at you and say “wow” because ________.

·         One of the nicest things you have ever done is ___________.

·         Without you I never would have ______________.

·         The thing I love most about you is __________.

·         Which of the ‘Five Love Languages’ (Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, or Quality Time) is most important to you?  How can I best speak that language to you?

·         If you could plan a vacation for just the two of us where would it be?

·         What is the best date or trip we have ever been on?

·         How can I help you this week?

·         What do you find to be the most difficult aspect of living with me?

·         How would you like me to pray for you this week?

·         What does forgiveness mean to you?  In what ways have you forgiven me this week?

·         What are some things I do that make you laugh?

·         How do you hear God speaking to you?

·         If someone gave you $1000 tonight, how would you spend it?

·         What is one dream you had about having your own marriage and family that hasn’t been fulfilled yet?

·         What is the best gift you ever received?

·         What is something that you enjoy about your days, but don’t talk much about?

·         When did you first know you loved me?

·         What is the hardest feeling for you to express?  ow an I helpHowHow can I help you express it?

·         What do you think is the most important thing I do in an average day?

·         Is our physical relationship what you hoped it would be?  Why or why not?

·         What do you like best about being married to me?

·         What part of our marriage do you think God wishes we would change?

Previous Feature: Finding Our Home in God

By Annelyse DeBellis, MA, LPCC

No doubt about it, we were made for relationship. When God said, “Let us make man in our image,” many believe that He was making reference to the Trinity’s dynamic ability to have relationship within Himself. God made a relational being when He made Adam so that mankind might be included in the best relationship that ever was. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have always been in perfect relationship with each other; always loving, supporting and yielding to one another.

The Trinity is the original safe place and God’s intention in making man was to invite us into this powerful relationship. Through the work of the Cross, we now have access to this original safe place that we find in the Trinity. John 15 describes this relationship to be like a vine and branches. We are the branches, connected to the vine, gaining our life source from it. Here we are called to abide, or make our home in Him. This is good news for us. Some of you might be thinking, “That is what I have always longed for.” However some of you might be thinking, “This is too good to be true;” or you might even be thinking, “No thanks, I am not so sure about God’s safety.”

The home environment we experienced growing up has a lot to do with our perception of how safe God is.  Individuals who grew up in supportive and caring environments can often easily understand that God is their safe place. When difficult things happen, they run to Him for guidance and support.  But this is not the case for many of us. If we grew up in an unsafe household, we tend to view God as unsafe. If our home environment was demanding and performance oriented, we tend to think that God only approves of us when we are performing well for him. If you grew up in a neglectful home, you probably tend to think that God is not available when you are in need. Some of us grew up in abusive homes where sometimes we got the love we needed and sometimes our source of love became hurtful. People who grew up in these types of homes tend to think that God is capricious; we are subject to his whims, which are usually not in our best interest. When bad things happen to these people, they run from God because they do not think that He will come through for them. Scripture however tells us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Maybe when you are feeling distanced from God it might be because of the false perception you have about the kind of Father he is.

The Father understands where we have come from. He knows about the hurts that we have experienced as a result of poor or insufficient love. That’s why He sent His dear Son to set us free. Jesus died for every incident of hurt, abuse, rejection and neglect that we have ever experienced. He absorbed into His body the affects of these sins committed against us in order that we would not have to live with their crushing long term affects. He then sent the Holy Spirit to be with us – so that we would not live as orphans. Orphans by definition are fatherless as well as homeless. The Father has made a way for us to find our home in Him through the work of the Cross and the Holy Spirit’s indwelling. Graham Cooke says that “we have three truly awesome, majestic, incredible, astonishing people who love us with great affection, intention and power.” Yes! The Trinity is one hundred percent for us! Amazingly, research shows that individuals who did not grow up in secure home environments tend to have more dramatic experiences of God when they do open their hearts up to him. The Father loves to give us back the things that we have lost.

When coming to counseling, it is very helpful to have a counselor who understands this dynamic. Having a counselor who understands that the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are your greatest allies in the healing process can facilitate your relationship with God. Because you were made to be a relational being, it goes to follow then that the healing process in therapy involves a relationship between a therapist and a client. Research shows that the quality of this relationship is one of the most important factors to a good outcome of the therapeutic process. If a client views his/her therapist as genuine and authentically caring, he/she will learn to trust this therapeutic relationship. Research also shows that a client’s relationship with God in the therapeutic process is extremely helpful. Clients who include faith in the healing process generally report greater satisfaction in their progress over time. Jesus said, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teachings. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him” (John 15:23). Truly, what Good News this is, that no matter what we have gone through, God’s great desire is to make a home with us.

Previous Feature: The Fallout of Mental Illness

By Rick R. McQuistion, Ph.D., LPCC-S

Anne Sheffield (2011) calls attention to this issue on her website by discussing what she has called “Depression Fallout.”  As a daughter of a depressed parent, she has articulated in her work five stages, which family members often experience.  As I share these, I do so believing that family members all too frequently go without the help they need to deal with the confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger or resentment, and the desire to escape related to mental illness in the family.  In my experience, these same stages seem applicable to people who have family members dealing with a variety of mental or emotional illness, not just depression.  Perhaps, it would be appropriate to coin the term, Mental Illness Fallout.  With that in mind, let’s consider Sheffield’s “fallout” stages (1998).

Stage One:  Confusion is very common among family members of the mentally and emotionally ill.  So often, when a loved one has fallen ill, there are many questions.  What does this change in mood all mean?  Why can’t he just think rationally?  What kind of help will she need and for how long?  Will counseling really help?  Is medicine the right option?  The list of questions sometimes is rather long, especially when the condition is new or becomes acute.  It is perfectly normal to experience such confusion to something that has previously been unknown.  As a counselor, part of what I do is walk family members through all the questions.

Stage Two:  Self-doubt ensues as the confusion is allowed to mount.  Spouses, parents, and friends alike may question themselves as to what they may have done to cause a loved one to behave suddenly in an uncharacteristically angry or irritable manner. When a mental or emotional disorder is present, confused family members commonly exhibit self-doubt as part of their effort to make sense of what is happening to the one they love.  Counseling can provide the support family members need to be confident in their roles pertaining to the mentally ill. Recently, I came across some information on the web that seemed as though it would be helpful to family members of those who suffer from mental illness.  As most of mental health care is directed toward the person experiencing a mental or emotional condition themselves, I was struck by the fact that family members may often be overlooked.  It seemed that if millions of Americans are personally affected by mental illness each year, multiple millions more family members are impacted as well. 

Stage Three:  Demoralization is often a central component of fallout.  A family member or friend can experience a blow to his/her personal self-esteem when struggling to deal with the mental illness of someone dear to them.  A great sense of helplessness and inadequacy may become reality to those close to the mentally ill person.  With the presence of low self-esteem and the feeling of powerlessness to assist in all that has gone wrong for a loved one, those close to the one who is ill can often become resentful toward the loved-one.  The counselor can have a significant part in offering emotional support and coping strategies for friends and family.

Stage Four:  Anger tends to grow when mental illness is present within a home.  Family members can become embarrassed by the ill one’s condition.  They might also become angry, or even resentful, when income levels, roles and activities, and familial and social interactions are significantly altered  or become burdensome due to mental illness.  The anger and resentment which results often leads to blaming the person who is mentally ill for the negative impact upon a family’s lifestyle and normal function.  Through the process of counseling, families can receive help in recognizing that any anger needs to be directed toward the illness and not the person.  Counseling can also be very effective in helping persons address their losses which contribute to anger and resolve their anger overall.

Stage Five:  The Desire to Escape can be powerful.  How much can one be expected to tolerate?  It is not uncommon for relationships to become damaged beyond repair through either psychological or physical distancing, or both, when a troubling illness of any kind occurs.  Therefore, it is easy to see how this might hold true in families which have a member who is mentally ill.  Marriages become distant or broken, families are disengaged and fragmented, and friendships weaken or end.   But, the good news is that the desire to escape can be avoided!  By addressing the confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, and anger as each may arise, the feelings of desperation and need to flee become much less likely to develop.  Yet, when such desire is present, a counselor can help you form a healthy and responsible course of action.

It is true that family members and friends of those who experience mental and emotional distress and illness can be negatively affected.  Still, with the help of an understanding counselor, the fallout of mental illness can be managed effectively.

Resources:

Sheffield, Anne.  (1998).  How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed.  New York:  Three Rivers Press.

Sheffield, Anne.  (Retrieved on October 12, 2011).  What is Depression Fallout?  http://www.depressionfallout.com/whatisdf.php.

Previous Feature: Depression Isn't Just For Losers

By Maureen Cooper, MA, LPCC-S
Executive Director


One need only do a cursory reading of the Bible to find it replete with stories of the people who suffered from depression and vividly described its symptoms; David, Moses, Elijah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Paul, and even, at times, Jesus, are just a few of them.  However, these same people also describe experiences of incredible joy in their lives.  So how do these extremes fit together?  They are part of our struggle as humans who live in the interface between the Kingdom of God and this broken world.  Understanding depression and what causes it and cures it can aid us in winning our struggle.

The symptoms of depression include any of the following that last for two weeks or more: changes in appetite, lack of motivation, difficulty focusing, an inability to enjoy things, sadness, feelings of hopelessness and/or helplessness, wanting to withdraw from others, feelings of wishing one were not alive, and sleep disturbance.  Waking up too early or waking often during the night are typical.  Some people sleep too much and find it difficult to get out of bed.  In severe depression, one may not be able to accomplish even mundane tasks such as showering or changing clothes.  Thoughts of suicide can occur and signal a need for immediate treatment.  As you can see, depression is a serious matter that can severely limit one’s life!

         

Just as there are many symptoms of depression, there can be many causes.  Studies have shown that there is definitely a genetic link, so if depression runs in one’s family, there is a greater chance of developing it.  In many families, they didn’t know how to name it, so they often called it “nerves,” as in “Aunt Helen had a lot of trouble with her nerves.”  This was most likely depression or one of its related syndromes.

Depression is also triggered by stress, both good stress, or “eustress,” and bad stress, or “distress.”  Many have had the experience of attending a wonderful retreat or a fantastic vacation, only to find that a week or so afterwards they feel incredibly down.  This is often misinterpreted as a character or spiritual weakness, but it’s actually the effect of withdrawal from our bodies’ own chemicals that make us feel “high” during exceptionally good times.  If the down feelings persist, treatment might me advised.

Sometimes depression is a way of allowing us to grieve losses.  It is normal to feel sad after a death or divorce, but if it gets to the point where one cannot function, there are good treatments available.

Studies have shown that depression is very treatable, with the best results by far from a combination of counseling and medications.  A good therapist, such as you will find here at Gentle Shepherd Counseling Center, can help evaluate the severity of depression and if medication might be needed.  He or she might also suggest natural remedies and behavioral interventions that can help.  We also value a person’s faith and seek to build on it and use it as a tool to help overcome one’s depression.

Above all, we never judge someone for being depressed or tell them to “snap out of it,” or that if their faith was stronger they would not be depressed.  We understand the complex nature of depression and the interplay of the body, mind, and spirit in its development as well as management.  We join with our clients in helping them win this struggle of living in two kingdoms.